I sat down, reluctant- on some pleasantly conscious level- to remove my hand from my own back-pocket, where it was cupping the plump curve of my own ass cheek.

I sat down, reluctant- on some pleasantly conscious level- to remove my hand from my own back-pocket, where it was cupping the plump curve of my own ass cheek.

The sun peaked up over the hedges as five women of advanced age, formerly known collectively as The Spice Girls, discussed the global political situation.

The sun peaked up over the hedges as five women of advanced age, formerly known collectively as The Spice Girls, discussed the global political situation. Scary Spice, who had just finished screwing in a weirdly shaped light-bulb under the table, got off her old knobby knees and sat back down with the rest of them.

It all started at the Justin Beiber concert.

It all started at the Justin Beiber concert. When will it end? Who knows. Only the Biebs himself has the power to stop it now. As of yesterday, though, his current location is still a mystery. Officers are hot on the literal trail of teenage girls that formed behind him as he jumped off stage and ran on to the street. He is a surprisingly agile runner, at one point fully jumping over an overturned Volkswagon mini.  People on the street who were lucky enough to see him pass and also recognize him given his seriously record breaking speed, said there was no indication he was slowing down. We are forced to concluded he may not stop any time soon and that he has decided to run a marathon. Officials fear for his safety. The trail of fans is growing and may overtake him.

It was so incredibly, deliciously wrong.

It was so incredibly, deliciously wrong.

The grapes were moldy.

The grapes were moldy. That made no difference to Evan. It made no difference to any of us for that matter. Moldy grapes, moldy bread, moldy milk, moldy shit -- when you haven't eaten in 3 days anything looks good. I mean, we were going to die anyway, right? The three of us had been kept alive in a single room for weeks now. We didn't know why. We didn't know who had put us there, either. Every three days, like clockwork, some (semi-)edible item would materialize. And no matter what it was we would devour it. (Well, except for the incident with Mike... We weren't given any "food" for 5 days after that whole affair.) 

Meanwhile...

"Congratulations Watson, you have been promoted to commander of the team. The mold is taking hold of the humanoids' brains. The two remaining humans believe subject Mike is still in the room with them even though he was vaporized last week."

I was born laden with a terrible secret.

I was born laden with a terrible secret.

I became friends with this homeless lady and then she read my mind.

I became friends with this homeless lady and then she read my mind. The year was 1922.

Framda readjusted his oculus and turned to his husband, "what did you say?"

Framda readjusted his oculus and turned to his husband, "what did you say?"

The trip back to Sprjeliijerp was bittersweet.

The trip back to Sprjeliijerp was bittersweet.

There are four-hundred-thousand billion of us, and only one of them.

There are four-hundred-thousand billion of us, and only one of them.

Frozen gusts lashed what remained of our faces.

Frozen gusts lashed what remained of our faces.

Deep in this self-made maze of tunnels, I, a lowly worm in the twilight of life, will finally write a novel.

Deep in this self-made maze of tunnels, I, a lowly worm in the twilight of life, will finally write a novel.

She grew up in Tucson, and, accordingly, became an engineer.

She grew up in Tucson, and, accordingly, became an engineer.

He lived by the stars and died by the sword.

He lived by the stars and died by the sword.

A pharmacy aisle is not the proper place to masturbate, but how was I to know that?

A pharmacy aisle is not the proper place to masturbate, but how was I to know that?

"It's not true," Doris whispered with trembling lips, "I can't possibly be a robot."

"It's not true," Doris whispered with trembling lips, "I can't possibly be a robot."

Shakespeare couldn't have said it better, "....

Shakespeare couldn't have said it better, "

Something kept telling her to go on.

Something kept telling her to go on.  And on.  And on.  She hadn't seen a trail marker in hours, but she knew there was another trail just up ahead.  She was determined to suppress any panic, but kept checking her phone.  Still no reception.  Still no reception.  Still no reception. The thought that maybe she had passed many trails, but just hadn't noticed, almost caused her mind to crinkle like into a wax paper ball. If she had somehow lost her ability to discern markers, then she was truly hopeless. She pushed on, partly knowing her hope might be a delusion.

I'd been waiting my whole life for a case like this;

I'd been waiting my whole life for a case like this;

Everyone was dead. The microwave was still buzzing with sadistic pleasure.

Everyone was dead.  The microwave was still buzzing with sadistic pleasure.  Anthony grinned, lying on his belly on the kitchen counter, nose pressed to the window, lipstick smeared all over his nasty little mouth.  The plastic from a few naked Barbie dolls he stole from school and a handful of green plastic soldiers, goop slowly flowing together on the floor of the microwave in a puddle of his boiling piss.  The stink was awful.

And Anthony thought to himself, "If my piss is boiling, why isn't it evaporating?" For something deep and dangerous inside him told him that he'd been lying there for three days, at least. He realized this must be his Hannuka miracle.  Then he turned back into as mongoose, hopped off the counter, scurried outside and ate a snake.

The tuna had gone stale. The water was in the pan. But she was gone.

The tuna had gone stale. The water was in the pan. But she was gone.

As he descended into the crypt, he realized he was late for another engagement.

As he descended into the crypt, he realized he was late for another engagement.

Her red apron burst in front of me; an explosion of cellulite and soba noodles.

Her red apron burst in front of me; an explosion of cellulite and soba noodles.

It was so off-hand, how he drew the pen out of his pants.

It was so off-hand, how he drew the pen out of his pants.

Testing. One...Two...Three...Testing.

Testing. One...Two...Three...Testing.